Over the past month I have felt continuously sick to my stomach, like this weird pit in me is aching but kind of makes me anxious, nervous, and even fearful at times. Some days the ache is so intense I can barely eat; other days it seems all I do is eat to try and make the aching subside. Some days I try to sleep it off, or ignore it. Each effort to rid myself of this ache brings no succes and no respite...the ache continues.
Today I realized what this aching is...I am lovesick...in the beginning stages but lovesick all the same.
Over the past month I have been crying to the Lord in confession of how I don't love Him; of how I have no idea of His beauty, love, or sacrifice for me; of how I don't even really want Him to return because of my selfishness, fear, and lack of love; and of how I don't even know anything about Him--his looks, his character, his love, his personality, etc.
In the midst of my confessions to Him, it appears love has taken root. This shift seems odd and uncomprehensable that in the midst of one confessing her lack of love for another, she ends up becoming lovesick...or rather maybe it is perfectly sensable. Afterall, in the midst of such confessions and in my weeping, I find myself longing so desparately to love Him, to know Him, to serve Him, to desire His return etc., and I become overwhelmed with pain in how I don't. This pain, I believe, is one form of lovesickness...not only is lovesick being away from your lover and longing for Him, but it is also the pain in not being able to accurately express, show, and live out the love to which your lover is deserving to receive...This has become me!
In the midst of this troubing season and in the midst of temptation, Christ is coming to me and I am coming to Him...a joint effort is being made...a marriage coming together...lovesickness reaching such a height that it will either cause me to run without regard to the world towards my lover or should I choose the world, it will take unending pain and suffering to even remotely press down such feelings...I hope for the first rather than the latter...
God Help...it is running season...help me to run towards you!
Amen
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Thursday, December 18, 2008
The Battle I Choose To Fight
Never have I found myself in a season like this. I have never experienced a "season of temptation". Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I've never been tempted or have never sinned. I HAVE, but in other previous times of temptation I either easily pushed through it, or I knowingly went ahead and submitted to it out of rebellion. Now, if I were to share my testimony to man, it would seem I've not really done anything serious; however, defiance is defiance to God!
This season is different however...there is a struggle. Before it was either press in and easily move forward, or sin out of defiance and after a season find your way back with frankly little repercussion in the natural. Defiance this season, I fear, will have manifest consequences, and easily pushing through doesn't exist right now.
So what is done then...I struggle...I fight...and for now, I fail more often than not.
In James we are told that trials and temptation bring about endurance and patience but only in the proving of our faith; Hebrews tells us it is endurance and patience that we need to fully accomplish the will of God and receive what is promised. So I am in a season of temptation seeking to show my faith and prove it...not to God but to myself.
I am bombarded daily and fight. I wish I could say I am having days of complete victory, but I don't. Some days are 90% victory and 10% weakness; other days are 20% victory with 80% weakness. BUT I'm fighting this time. To man I am judged as dirty, unrepentant, and weak because of my struggle. No man has to speak this to me, I can feel it and see it...CONDEMNATION; however, man cannot know the intentions of another man's heart nor the depth of struggle within another man's being. Conclusion then...man is NOT my judge and if they choose to appoint themselves as such out of "love", then I am by no means obligated to place myself and my spirit under their verdicts...MY GOD IS JUDGE and it is HIS VERDICT that I reside under.
So for now I appear to be on the losing end of a struggle, but to God, I am on the verge of a victory because of a desire to struggle.
God strengthen my desire to struggle and fight against these temptations. Because of the condemnation of men, my desire to fight and struggle is weakening; so God help me. Help me to hear what you say over this. Don't let me use grace as a covering, but let not shame and condemnation led me into my sin...Lead me not into temptation, BUT deliver me from evil!
Amen
This season is different however...there is a struggle. Before it was either press in and easily move forward, or sin out of defiance and after a season find your way back with frankly little repercussion in the natural. Defiance this season, I fear, will have manifest consequences, and easily pushing through doesn't exist right now.
So what is done then...I struggle...I fight...and for now, I fail more often than not.
In James we are told that trials and temptation bring about endurance and patience but only in the proving of our faith; Hebrews tells us it is endurance and patience that we need to fully accomplish the will of God and receive what is promised. So I am in a season of temptation seeking to show my faith and prove it...not to God but to myself.
I am bombarded daily and fight. I wish I could say I am having days of complete victory, but I don't. Some days are 90% victory and 10% weakness; other days are 20% victory with 80% weakness. BUT I'm fighting this time. To man I am judged as dirty, unrepentant, and weak because of my struggle. No man has to speak this to me, I can feel it and see it...CONDEMNATION; however, man cannot know the intentions of another man's heart nor the depth of struggle within another man's being. Conclusion then...man is NOT my judge and if they choose to appoint themselves as such out of "love", then I am by no means obligated to place myself and my spirit under their verdicts...MY GOD IS JUDGE and it is HIS VERDICT that I reside under.
So for now I appear to be on the losing end of a struggle, but to God, I am on the verge of a victory because of a desire to struggle.
God strengthen my desire to struggle and fight against these temptations. Because of the condemnation of men, my desire to fight and struggle is weakening; so God help me. Help me to hear what you say over this. Don't let me use grace as a covering, but let not shame and condemnation led me into my sin...Lead me not into temptation, BUT deliver me from evil!
Amen
Saturday, November 29, 2008
A Thought
We are no better than the ones we judge, and most of us spend our lives living out of the hurt we've encountered and feel; then we are told of a man who can bind up the broken-hearted and set free the captives, and the idea of such a man, whether real or fantasy, gives us enough hope to make it one more day, and the more we see this man does exist, the more we begin to think that just maybe we will be able to make it through this thing called life.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Help me to keep moving
Just keep moving; Just don't stop.
If you'll just keep going, maybe then you won't die.
Don't stop looking, and don't stop moving.
One step at a time and you won't loose your grip.
So go now, just put one foot in front of the other.
Yes I know, the path is blurred and fogged,
But just line the heel of one foot with the toes of the other,
And keep going; just place them one in front of the other.
My voice is quieter, or have you decided not to listen?
Wrestle with me about this; it isn't a sin to do so.
I'd rather we wrestle this out then for you to ignore me.
I know your fears about hearing me and about what's coming,
But I also know the path of least pain for you.
But God, I can't talk this one out;
I'm not sure how or even what to say.
Just don't let me fall; oh God please help,
Is that enough for now Daddy?
Because its all I can say for now...help
Just help and don't let go of me!
If you'll just keep going, maybe then you won't die.
Don't stop looking, and don't stop moving.
One step at a time and you won't loose your grip.
So go now, just put one foot in front of the other.
Yes I know, the path is blurred and fogged,
But just line the heel of one foot with the toes of the other,
And keep going; just place them one in front of the other.
My voice is quieter, or have you decided not to listen?
Wrestle with me about this; it isn't a sin to do so.
I'd rather we wrestle this out then for you to ignore me.
I know your fears about hearing me and about what's coming,
But I also know the path of least pain for you.
But God, I can't talk this one out;
I'm not sure how or even what to say.
Just don't let me fall; oh God please help,
Is that enough for now Daddy?
Because its all I can say for now...help
Just help and don't let go of me!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
The Fear of The Lord
The Fear of the Lord is the place of full obedience. It is the goal of which we hope to obtain in this race we run. The full manifestation of the Fear of the Lord is the mature Bride--it is our glorification. It comes from a place of revelation of Christ's sacrifice, of the greatness of the Trinity's love for us, of our inheritance to Christ and from Christ, of our adoption, of our identity, of the hope for which we long, of the kingdom to come, and of the eternal glory with the Fullness of God that awaits us.
The fear of the Lord is walked out in the obeying of the perfect narrow pathed will of the Father...a path that in no way can be found apart from grace and revelation; no man can find such a path by striving or by works...surely they shall miss or turn from it as bitterness, anger, offense, and rebellion arise because of a lack of revelation of love and of God.
The Fear of the Lord literally requires Wisdom; it literally requires the man Christ (Christ is the Wisdom of God--1Cor 1:24). In this man my life, the very substance of my existence, is hidden. As I seek Wisdom or rather Christ, I find my life, my actual existence; the finding of such causes me to desire to walk in obedience; I fear being even one millimeter outside His perfect will for me because I know that in that place my life does not exist, and though in the natural I am alive, I am actually walking back into death, walking out of the life of mine in Christ, a walking back into slavery. Thus, Christ telling me to stay firm in my freedom is Him, in fact, telling me to stay in the life which is hidden in Christ because in that place there are no chains or bondages to the world, no reliance on the world for anything...not even for it to tell me I exist.
The Fear of the Lord comes forth in manifestation from a Bride who truly lives seated from above... in the place where that life hidden in Christ is actually found.
The fear of the Lord is walked out in the obeying of the perfect narrow pathed will of the Father...a path that in no way can be found apart from grace and revelation; no man can find such a path by striving or by works...surely they shall miss or turn from it as bitterness, anger, offense, and rebellion arise because of a lack of revelation of love and of God.
The Fear of the Lord literally requires Wisdom; it literally requires the man Christ (Christ is the Wisdom of God--1Cor 1:24). In this man my life, the very substance of my existence, is hidden. As I seek Wisdom or rather Christ, I find my life, my actual existence; the finding of such causes me to desire to walk in obedience; I fear being even one millimeter outside His perfect will for me because I know that in that place my life does not exist, and though in the natural I am alive, I am actually walking back into death, walking out of the life of mine in Christ, a walking back into slavery. Thus, Christ telling me to stay firm in my freedom is Him, in fact, telling me to stay in the life which is hidden in Christ because in that place there are no chains or bondages to the world, no reliance on the world for anything...not even for it to tell me I exist.
The Fear of the Lord comes forth in manifestation from a Bride who truly lives seated from above... in the place where that life hidden in Christ is actually found.
The Knowledge of God
To me the knowledge of God is the very character of God. Its the nature of the Creator, the very movements of the Almighty Sovereign God. It is the very thing which not only produced the Universe, by the speaking of the knowledge, but is holding the universe together even now. The knowledge of God is what holds everything in place; should one thing shift in this knowledge of God or character of God, all things would fall apart, for we are literally upheld by the knowledge and character of God.
The obtaining of the knowledge of God is the obtaining of His character and ways; it is the obtaining of Christ; it is our sanctification, our moving from glory to glory...the transformation from old to new, from slave to free, from whore to Bride, from orphan to son, from dark to light...it is the literal "New Creation" that we are becoming made manifest; the becoming of the image of Christ whose image we were originally formed in...it is the reversing of the curse and the restoring of the Garden of Eden, the place of fellowship where Creator walks with that which was created in His image.
The obtaining of the knowledge of God or character of God is redemption at its most glorious and full manifestation! It is the redeeming of all; transforming the cursed being into a pure and spotless Bride. It is the reversal of the curse, the restoring of Eden... The Bringing of The Kingdom Which is at Hand!
The obtaining of the knowledge of God is the obtaining of His character and ways; it is the obtaining of Christ; it is our sanctification, our moving from glory to glory...the transformation from old to new, from slave to free, from whore to Bride, from orphan to son, from dark to light...it is the literal "New Creation" that we are becoming made manifest; the becoming of the image of Christ whose image we were originally formed in...it is the reversing of the curse and the restoring of the Garden of Eden, the place of fellowship where Creator walks with that which was created in His image.
The obtaining of the knowledge of God or character of God is redemption at its most glorious and full manifestation! It is the redeeming of all; transforming the cursed being into a pure and spotless Bride. It is the reversal of the curse, the restoring of Eden... The Bringing of The Kingdom Which is at Hand!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Pappa Please Don't Let Go
I don't want to leave Daddy's lap,
Because its dark and cold out there.
Daddy your little girl is tired and wounded.
She just needs to be held a little longer.
She missed Pappa and needs Daddy time right now.
She feels so weak Daddy.
Please just hold her; don't be mad.
Daddy just don't yell at her right now.
She'll try again but not today.
Today she'll just rest.
She couldn't possibly do anything else,
But rest with Daddy;
So just hold her now,
And Daddy don't let go
Til all is made better,
Til all darkness is gone,
Til joy is restored and strength renewed.
Don't loosen Your grip,
Til she's ready Pappa.
PLEASE!
love your lil brown-eyed girl
Because its dark and cold out there.
Daddy your little girl is tired and wounded.
She just needs to be held a little longer.
She missed Pappa and needs Daddy time right now.
She feels so weak Daddy.
Please just hold her; don't be mad.
Daddy just don't yell at her right now.
She'll try again but not today.
Today she'll just rest.
She couldn't possibly do anything else,
But rest with Daddy;
So just hold her now,
And Daddy don't let go
Til all is made better,
Til all darkness is gone,
Til joy is restored and strength renewed.
Don't loosen Your grip,
Til she's ready Pappa.
PLEASE!
love your lil brown-eyed girl
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