Over the past month I have felt continuously sick to my stomach, like this weird pit in me is aching but kind of makes me anxious, nervous, and even fearful at times. Some days the ache is so intense I can barely eat; other days it seems all I do is eat to try and make the aching subside. Some days I try to sleep it off, or ignore it. Each effort to rid myself of this ache brings no succes and no respite...the ache continues.
Today I realized what this aching is...I am lovesick...in the beginning stages but lovesick all the same.
Over the past month I have been crying to the Lord in confession of how I don't love Him; of how I have no idea of His beauty, love, or sacrifice for me; of how I don't even really want Him to return because of my selfishness, fear, and lack of love; and of how I don't even know anything about Him--his looks, his character, his love, his personality, etc.
In the midst of my confessions to Him, it appears love has taken root. This shift seems odd and uncomprehensable that in the midst of one confessing her lack of love for another, she ends up becoming lovesick...or rather maybe it is perfectly sensable. Afterall, in the midst of such confessions and in my weeping, I find myself longing so desparately to love Him, to know Him, to serve Him, to desire His return etc., and I become overwhelmed with pain in how I don't. This pain, I believe, is one form of lovesickness...not only is lovesick being away from your lover and longing for Him, but it is also the pain in not being able to accurately express, show, and live out the love to which your lover is deserving to receive...This has become me!
In the midst of this troubing season and in the midst of temptation, Christ is coming to me and I am coming to Him...a joint effort is being made...a marriage coming together...lovesickness reaching such a height that it will either cause me to run without regard to the world towards my lover or should I choose the world, it will take unending pain and suffering to even remotely press down such feelings...I hope for the first rather than the latter...
God Help...it is running season...help me to run towards you!
Amen
About Me
- Rebecca
- I am a mommy to 5 precious children, 3 of whom I have the honor to love on and raise on this side of eternity. I am recently transitioning into being a stay-at-home mommy after working outside the home and having worked from the home. It is an answered prayer, and I don't know for how long this season will last, but I'm going to soak in all it has to offer me, the good, the bad, and the ugly, because to me motherhood is Simply Beautiful!
3 comments:
Rebecca,
I want to be lovesick too. Yes, Jesus, make me lovesick for You, like Rebecca. Her words touched my heart.
-dana hunt
Excellent explanation. I love that Dana reads your blog!!
Cya tomorrow (hopefully).
well spoken beautiful.
i ache too. its like an unexplainable dissatisfaction...and all you can do is say....I JUST WANT JESUS. whatever that looks like...
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