2016...I Bid You Farewell...

  In light of posting a pretty negative status the other day about Christmas break and it being the season to sit down and make goals only to inevitably fail them, I decided to write a little blog on 2016. I know for a lot of others, 2016 has been ROUGH! My personality is to be hyper analytical, which oftentimes causes me to have a very judgmental, pessimistic view of life. I struggle greatly with "analysis paralysis" as it's often called and feel like progress is none existent in my life, because I am often caught in my own tunnel vision of what's not "correct" in myself and in my life. So this year before I sit down to analyze 2016 in the way I usually do, and before I write my new goals, I've decided to share with you a very different view on 2016. So here it is! My analysis of 2016 through the mindset of Christ being at work in my life at all times:

1) I have been on medicine for postpartum depression and anxiety for a year---I am thankful I have PPD.

     Having PPD has been hard and the battle with guilt and condemnation has been intense, but PPD made me come face to face with problems that would have continued to be pressed down. I can honestly say that the idea of what I would've been like had I continued to do this, is scary. Through out this hard journey, Christ has used this time to unearth a lot of things. PPD has humbled me bc I had to ask for help. I had to acknowledge that I couldn't do it and that I felt like a failure as a mom. Without the acknowledgement of those things, Christ couldn't come to heal and speak truth.

So thank you Christ for allowing 2016 to be the year I was treated for PPD!

2) I spoken more openly about my past history with anorexia /bulimia. It has changed me.

      While I have shared with people on a one-on-one basis about my past eating disorder, it wasn't till late this year after seeing the bravery of my friend who shared transparently about her journey, that I opened up more about my past. Before now I didn't like sharing a lot about my eating disorder because I felt it changed people's view of me. I felt that because a past struggle was admitted, it would mean continual eyes of "is she ok? Is she dealing with this again?". I think many people who deal with addictions, eating disorders, depression, and other similar illnesses feel this way. Even though I knew Christ had largely transformed me, I couldn't get past the idea of how others knowing would shape their view of me. And guess what?----> it does shape their view of me. Yep, that's right, it does. But this year became the year that it no longer mattered. It became the year that speaking out in transparency and vulnerability became more urgent than my need to shape others views of myself. Everyone's journey in healing and sharing things of their lives is different. It isn't black and white. For me, that journey was nearly a decade of sharing only a little, before becoming open about it publicly. I needed that to be my journey. Christ knew that.

So thank you Christ for making 2016 the year I publicly shared about my former struggle with anorexia and bulimia.

3) I traveled again. And it brought back hope.

  In June 2016 I was blessed to travel with a team to Guatemala and am still processing what that trip did for my spirit. It was on that trip that I first tried to acknowledge how hard it had really been since the birth of my third child. It was the first time a finally broke down about some things in my life and acknowledged the impact a hard year was having on me. It was the beginning of the spark of courage mentioned below in #4. It helped to surface ideas and thought patterns that while incorrect, were so ingrained that they had become my truths. Going to Guatemala and having Christ move in that time, set me on a journey of acknowledging those hard to swallow "false truths" that I was so tightly holding onto and into the journey to letting them go. It also was a trip that brought about a desire to dream. It threw me towards the idea of hope again.

So thank you Jesus for using 2016 to take me away from my comfortable, reality-escaping life so I could engage again in my hopes and dreams!

4) I joined a DNA group. Running away from hard things is now hard. Thankgoodness! 

     A DNA group is basically our church's name for a small group of 3-5 people who meet regularly for the purpose of discipling and real accountability. For 6 years I have listened to our pastor and other leaders within our church talk about these groups, their purpose, and why they are so crucial in our growth as believers. I'd listened to them urge us into finding 2-3 others to really join us in a journey to true growth in Christ by means of real relationship that pushes us towards Him, but despite having longed for that for years, I was NOT going to be the one to just walk up and ask to be in one!! Why? Why did I not do this for 6 years?.... Fear...fear and pride! I didn't want to be rejected so I convinced myself it was bc of my introvertedness. No. It was not. I was scared. I did NOT want to be rejected. Or worse openly left alone to journey in relationship with Christ. At least if I never asked and was never rejected, then my journey alone could still be deemed my decision. Well in a random burst of 2016 courage, I asked someone! And yep, they were already in one, and I felt exactly how I knew I would! Rejected and Embarrassed. (Thank goodness I only texted them right!). But then...I ended up joining that group. And it's hard. Hard to be vulnerable. Hard to be transparent. Hard to be real. Hard to put effort into the relationships. And hard to be humbled when someone loving looks at you and speaks blunt truth to you because it's what you need! But it's life changing!

So thanks Jesus for that "random" burst of courage in 2016 that led me to these other women!

5) I began a study on Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. I am no longer the same. 

     I say began the study because not only has our group not finished the whole study, but it truly has been a door to open up healing and emotional health in my life. This study has been and still is hard. It has surfaced those hard "false truths", made me acknowledge my actual emotions in various stages of my life, pushed me to press into Christ for healing, and opened up a mindset of how to better approach the continued pain, suffering, and hurt we encounter till death comes. I have actually been through, in, apart and done so so many types of wholeness studies, methods, etc. Most have been biblical, and all have been perfectly timed in my life being used by Christ to help me in my journey. This one is different though. It's been more of a deep stabilizing root in the ground, kind of study for me. It's a root I needed to stabilize my foundation and to be there in storms that will come.

So thank you Father for forming a strong root in my life in 2016!! 

And lastly:

6) I began writing again and became a little more alive...and I'm just going to simply leave it at that!

So goodbye 2016! Thank you for being a year that while seemingly difficult was in fact a year of progress, of growth! Thank you Christ for being ever present in all things and for moving, for always moving in my life even when it seems as though You are not.