2016...I Bid You Farewell...

  In light of posting a pretty negative status the other day about Christmas break and it being the season to sit down and make goals only to inevitably fail them, I decided to write a little blog on 2016. I know for a lot of others, 2016 has been ROUGH! My personality is to be hyper analytical, which oftentimes causes me to have a very judgmental, pessimistic view of life. I struggle greatly with "analysis paralysis" as it's often called and feel like progress is none existent in my life, because I am often caught in my own tunnel vision of what's not "correct" in myself and in my life. So this year before I sit down to analyze 2016 in the way I usually do, and before I write my new goals, I've decided to share with you a very different view on 2016. So here it is! My analysis of 2016 through the mindset of Christ being at work in my life at all times:

1) I have been on medicine for postpartum depression and anxiety for a year---I am thankful I have PPD.

     Having PPD has been hard and the battle with guilt and condemnation has been intense, but PPD made me come face to face with problems that would have continued to be pressed down. I can honestly say that the idea of what I would've been like had I continued to do this, is scary. Through out this hard journey, Christ has used this time to unearth a lot of things. PPD has humbled me bc I had to ask for help. I had to acknowledge that I couldn't do it and that I felt like a failure as a mom. Without the acknowledgement of those things, Christ couldn't come to heal and speak truth.

So thank you Christ for allowing 2016 to be the year I was treated for PPD!

2) I spoken more openly about my past history with anorexia /bulimia. It has changed me.

      While I have shared with people on a one-on-one basis about my past eating disorder, it wasn't till late this year after seeing the bravery of my friend who shared transparently about her journey, that I opened up more about my past. Before now I didn't like sharing a lot about my eating disorder because I felt it changed people's view of me. I felt that because a past struggle was admitted, it would mean continual eyes of "is she ok? Is she dealing with this again?". I think many people who deal with addictions, eating disorders, depression, and other similar illnesses feel this way. Even though I knew Christ had largely transformed me, I couldn't get past the idea of how others knowing would shape their view of me. And guess what?----> it does shape their view of me. Yep, that's right, it does. But this year became the year that it no longer mattered. It became the year that speaking out in transparency and vulnerability became more urgent than my need to shape others views of myself. Everyone's journey in healing and sharing things of their lives is different. It isn't black and white. For me, that journey was nearly a decade of sharing only a little, before becoming open about it publicly. I needed that to be my journey. Christ knew that.

So thank you Christ for making 2016 the year I publicly shared about my former struggle with anorexia and bulimia.

3) I traveled again. And it brought back hope.

  In June 2016 I was blessed to travel with a team to Guatemala and am still processing what that trip did for my spirit. It was on that trip that I first tried to acknowledge how hard it had really been since the birth of my third child. It was the first time a finally broke down about some things in my life and acknowledged the impact a hard year was having on me. It was the beginning of the spark of courage mentioned below in #4. It helped to surface ideas and thought patterns that while incorrect, were so ingrained that they had become my truths. Going to Guatemala and having Christ move in that time, set me on a journey of acknowledging those hard to swallow "false truths" that I was so tightly holding onto and into the journey to letting them go. It also was a trip that brought about a desire to dream. It threw me towards the idea of hope again.

So thank you Jesus for using 2016 to take me away from my comfortable, reality-escaping life so I could engage again in my hopes and dreams!

4) I joined a DNA group. Running away from hard things is now hard. Thankgoodness! 

     A DNA group is basically our church's name for a small group of 3-5 people who meet regularly for the purpose of discipling and real accountability. For 6 years I have listened to our pastor and other leaders within our church talk about these groups, their purpose, and why they are so crucial in our growth as believers. I'd listened to them urge us into finding 2-3 others to really join us in a journey to true growth in Christ by means of real relationship that pushes us towards Him, but despite having longed for that for years, I was NOT going to be the one to just walk up and ask to be in one!! Why? Why did I not do this for 6 years?.... Fear...fear and pride! I didn't want to be rejected so I convinced myself it was bc of my introvertedness. No. It was not. I was scared. I did NOT want to be rejected. Or worse openly left alone to journey in relationship with Christ. At least if I never asked and was never rejected, then my journey alone could still be deemed my decision. Well in a random burst of 2016 courage, I asked someone! And yep, they were already in one, and I felt exactly how I knew I would! Rejected and Embarrassed. (Thank goodness I only texted them right!). But then...I ended up joining that group. And it's hard. Hard to be vulnerable. Hard to be transparent. Hard to be real. Hard to put effort into the relationships. And hard to be humbled when someone loving looks at you and speaks blunt truth to you because it's what you need! But it's life changing!

So thanks Jesus for that "random" burst of courage in 2016 that led me to these other women!

5) I began a study on Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. I am no longer the same. 

     I say began the study because not only has our group not finished the whole study, but it truly has been a door to open up healing and emotional health in my life. This study has been and still is hard. It has surfaced those hard "false truths", made me acknowledge my actual emotions in various stages of my life, pushed me to press into Christ for healing, and opened up a mindset of how to better approach the continued pain, suffering, and hurt we encounter till death comes. I have actually been through, in, apart and done so so many types of wholeness studies, methods, etc. Most have been biblical, and all have been perfectly timed in my life being used by Christ to help me in my journey. This one is different though. It's been more of a deep stabilizing root in the ground, kind of study for me. It's a root I needed to stabilize my foundation and to be there in storms that will come.

So thank you Father for forming a strong root in my life in 2016!! 

And lastly:

6) I began writing again and became a little more alive...and I'm just going to simply leave it at that!

So goodbye 2016! Thank you for being a year that while seemingly difficult was in fact a year of progress, of growth! Thank you Christ for being ever present in all things and for moving, for always moving in my life even when it seems as though You are not. 

A Little Something I'm Learning About Community

God has been showing me a lot about community lately. About seven years ago I was blessed with an opportunity to work at a summer camp called Snowbird Wilderness Outfitters. It was there that I first got a glimpse into what biblical community was. It created in me a longing for authentic biblical community. The desire for community has been growing inside of me for a long time.

Four years ago my husband and I began to go to church at Vintage242. Its been here that we began to see authentic biblical community at play in front of our eyes. Even though we have been a part of this community for four years, it hasn't been until the last year or two that I have become engaged into this community. It has taken me that long because I couldn't understand that community wasn't something that just fell into your lap to better serve you, but was a relationship that had to be sought out. It wasn't until I learned that community really and truly was something that you yourself have to seek out and put forth effort into developing, that I began to see true community in my life. Community is about a relationship, but just like any other relationship, it has to be built and worked on. Its not something that will just fall into your lap with no effort on your part. As Americans, we can often have a mindset that things will just come to us because we are privileged for it to do so. Church isn't created to just serve you. Its created to reach the world and for you to learn and grow in Christ's love through community  and through learning to develop healthy relationships with those around you that are deeper than a worldly level, relationships that bring about accountability and love.

Being an introvert, I understand the struggle with having to meet people and reach out to gain community; however, I had to realize that I couldn't pass it all off on me just being introverted. I wasn't engaging in community because I wanted to remain walled up and hidden from what community would  truly bring to my life, accountability and responsibility. I was close-minded to see who God was calling me into community with. Lets be honest with ourselves, we're not so far from that high school girl that wants to be in with the "in-crowd", but we have to learn in the church to open our eyes to see who God is calling us to be in community with. Its important for us to learn and understand the levels of community within our lives and the different types of relationships that God desires to build. Just as Christ had his closest friends, a circle of 12 dear friends, and then a larger circle of people who followed and listen to him, we too have to realize that community for us will involve different levels of relationships. Again, once I was able to break through this barrier, I began to have my eyes open to see who God had already placed in my life for me to be in community with. Something my husband has been saying to me for over 3 years when I would tell him I had no community was, "Yes you do. Its right there. You just need to seek it out." How right he has been! Community was right under my nose for over two years before I had my eyes opened to see it!

Living with regret is pointless, so all I can say is I'm thankful for God's grace in opening my eyes when He did. I'm thankful to be developing real accountability in those relationships and in my life, as well as honored to be developing loving relationships with those who have "life experiences" and can wisely speak into me. God is stretching me and growing me in this still. Community is relationship, and relationship is work...hard work that can be humbling and unwanted at times, but so rewarding in the end.

Who am I--Arrogance blinds me!

Several months ago I was driving through the Chick-fil-a parking lot when a man came through the parking lot driving the wrong way. My initial reaction was anger..."How stupid can this man be. What the heck is he doing?"

Then...the sting...followed by a painful realization...

As the man slowly passed me, I realized that everything he owned seemed to be in the car with him; it was packed full...then a hard truth touched me. I am not this man's judge! I have absolutely no idea who he is or where he has been. I have no clue if he really is homeless or how he might have gotten that way...and if I was honest with myself...i didn't really care much but had plenty of my own "thoughts" (judgments) as to why his life is the "way" it is...OUCH!

The more I think on this day the more I am filled with realization of how arrogant I am...In arrogance I felt like I had a "right" to be angry with this man. I had a "right" to frankly, almost, if not, curse him under my breath...

Who in the world do I think I am...I have no clue who this man is and why do I think I am the rightful judge over him! The realization that I could care less about this man and his story, is almost just as painful. To be really transparent, I often interact and pass by people daily whose lives I often overlook. I don't, or at least before this day didn't think twice about driving straight pass a homeless person while stuffing my face with food and chugging down a soda. In my head I would think, "Yeah like I am really going to give you money. You're probably some drunk idiot who wasted his life."

If most of you were honest with yourselves, this is your response too. As Americans, we are so often spoiled little Pharisees! We pride ourselves on our put-together, educated "righteous" life that we shout about on the street corner of Facebook and Blogging. We have built up this way of thinking that says "I have a RIGHT to judge. I have a RIGHT to decide guilty!"

Well...newsflash Rebecca!....NO YOU DON'T!

Now there is discerning but so often I am not discerning, I am judging and condemning to hell someone who I wont spend five minutes listening to, I mean really listening to...I, in arrogance, go about my day trying desperately to masquerade around like I am a perfect person with a righteous life. In my arrogance and pride, I pass judgement on people right and left...I have convinced myself that I am so righteous that now I, without hesitation, judge the woman next to me in the check-out line, whose kids are screaming while she spends what feels like forever trying to get them to be quiet so she can give the lady money....I don't know whats going on in her life...I don't know her...

If any of you know or have met my husband, then you know he is such a wonderful man who gives love without hesitation to people. He doesn't wait to hear someone's story to decide if they should get "sympathy love" or "love that seeks to gain"...he just loves! Christ does it even better and even more fully! Which, to me, is so hard to understand, because over the years I have puzzled over how my husband can just give people things without any second thought! Christ revolutionized how we should act...the way in which to interact with others...that revolutionizing act...LOVE, pure and simple, unearned-AGAPE LOVE!

 I may not know the person next to me but you know what?

CHRIST DOES! and CHRIST KNOWS that man in that car, I mean really KNOWS him...

What would it be like if for once I shut-down that pharisee, arrogant mindset of mine and listened, I mean really LISTENED to Jesus' heart????

What if I LOVED as HE LOVED???

What if I responed with a PURE HEART...not out of some evangelistic duty that needs to be filled?

What IF I gave EVERY single person what they asked for and went on to give them MY tunic???

What if I actually LIVED what was written in the Word...without making it into metaphors and adding buts to all the hard parts????

What if I OPENED my home to strangers???? What if I showed HOSPITALITY???

Again, WHAT IF I LOVED AS HE LOVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO QUESTIONS ASKED...JUST LOVE FREELY GIVEN!

A Take On Song of Solomon (3)

Where is the one whom my heart longs for; oh where has my Beloved gone? I have suddenly awakened to find myself in the midst of a very dark and cold night. My soul is tortured, and fear encompasses me. I arise out of my bed yelling, no screaming for the presence of my Lover, but I find Him not! Oh tell me where is the One whom I long to be near, the One whose very presence forces all fear to leave me and all darkness around me to transform into light? I need Him; do you not understand? I NEED HIM! Only He will do!

I have gone outside of my room now, running down the street in my night clothes---in my barrenness and vulnerability, fully exposed to all---but I care not for my one thought is I must find Him. I care not how foolish my barrenness appears or how ridiculous I must appear to the men on the side streets; You see, I MUST HAVE MY BELOVED, and I care not if I am exposed as the true sinner that I am; I care not!

Behold, one standing on the streets...is this Him? No, I fear it is not, but rather, its my leaders...my pastor and now surrounding him all of the congregation...what are they doing? What is that look in their eyes?...Suddenly I feel myself awkwardly uncomfortable and aware of my see-through clothing...you see, usually I am more than just "covered" when around them...I am "hidden" within layers and layers of man-made clothing!...but now, now I am standing before them all, with a mere sheer layer to barely cover me...

I stand before them, the counsel of many...the ones who somehow seem to hold my spiritual life in their hands even though I know they shouldn't...Here I stand, a crazed woman...probably looking somewhat like the woman caught in adultery who was dragged away to be judged by Jesus...crazed and fully exposed with no time to cover myself...No Time!

What should I do...is there anything, anything that I could grab to cover myself? Anything at all, maybe this fig leaf here...it might cover me just enough that I could stand up a little "straighter" in their presence to ask them how should I find my Lover!

Doing all that is within me to hold it together I began to ask them one by one..."tell me, have you seen My Beloved, the One in Whom I Delight?"... And slowly, one by one, they each tell me how to find the One in Whom I Delight...

One says, "Read the book of John ten times a week, and there you will find Him for He loves diligence"; another says, "Oh no, you must scream and yell, praying in the spirit for hours, never giving way til He appears for He delights in being sought after"; another, "You must run, leap, and dance with joy and in faith that He is there. Eventually He will see your effort and reward you"; yet another tells me, "You have not committed yourself to enough groups and meetings within this body; He needs to see you care to be here and active with the Body; join our worship team and surely there He will be"; another sister chimes in, "You must starve yourself, oh wait, I mean 'fast'. The Lover needs to see you practice 'self-control' and know you can deny your flesh"; the final man tells me..."No, no, dear one, you see it is the sin and rebellion in your life and heart towards God and how you really don't love Him that has caused Him to turn from you; you haven't sacrificed anything for Him so He left."

Each suggestion that comes stings worse than the last with the final one causing the deepest blow ever...the crushing of my heart and my spirit...for you see I thought I really did love Him, that's why I arose...isn't it? Maybe not, maybe he is right...I must not love Him...

So what shall I do...everything...because even though these request seem to me to be working a place in my Lovers heart that I thought was already given to me by the grace of God, I will do them...for I am desperate, desperate for my Lover and will try anything to reach Him...So my journey into works begins...reading, fasting, singing, praying, dancing, confessing...

By the end, I am and have become the bleeding woman who is in sheer desperation for healing that she fights the crowds, the swarms of people...Pharisees and Sadducees, Apostles and Prophets, Evangelist and Teachers, Children and Elders...Everyone; pushing violently to touch the hem, the very edge of His Garment...you see, while her hope to see Him may have been beaten out of her in all of these years of working and striving, deep down, somewhere so deep within in her that no man has ever stabbed at, lies a thin shred, a wisp if you will, of Hope! Hope that if she can at least make it to His Garment she will at least be healed of her anemic, blood-soaked, darkened, diseased self...so she runs, I RUN!

I RUN! Pushing through everyone and BEHOLD...The Hem of His Garment! A beast of a man is standing before me, between my Lover and I...Suddenly from deep within me, a courage arises...a long forgotten and suppressed bravery and strength...how foreign it seems yet so familiar; it arises within me stronger and stronger...

I push aside this ghastly man standing before me, commanding Him, "You, oh wicked religious man, are NOT My Maker NOR My Healer! And you will step aside, for today is the day of MY SALVATION!" Barreling through, I reach and behold, I touch the Garment! And what should occur...

My Beloved Turns Around And I See Him! He looks upon me with delight and I look into His beautiful eyes of fire, a jealousy tender kind of emotion exuding from those eyes, and I Breathe in Life for the first time in years...And I live again! Healed now and back in the Presence of my Beloved...I have found the one in whom I Delight...Not in my working effort but in my barren, vulnerable, fully-exposed brokenness that finally gave me strength to command the Ghastly Man in front of me to BE GONE that I might have My Beloved!
(You see it is in my weakness that He is made strong.)

And I hear a faint whisper telling me..."You are all fair my love, and there is no spot in you; I delight in you and am with you!"

And I believe! And it is credited to me as righteousness!

I Am Abraham

"Thus Abraham believed in and adhered to and trusted in and relied on God, and it was reckoned and placed to his account and credited as righteousness (as conformity to the divine will in purpose, thought, and action). Know and understand that it is [really] the people [who live] by faith who are [the true] sons of Abraham."--Gal 3:6-7


Before I begin writing on what God has shown me about this verse and my given circumstances, let me acknowledgement that ultimately this verse is reference to justification or right standing with God by faith (in Christ) alone and not by the work of our hands; in fact it doesn't directly relate to Abraham and the almost sacrifice of his son, but a previous chapter in Genesis, Genesis 15 to be more accurate, but all the same God used the above verse to remind me of Abraham and his son.


Oh the beauty of Abraham's sacrifice to God! In this sacrifice Abraham out of obedience takes his most prized possession, his son, lays it upon an altar to God to be consumed by God should the Lord so choose. In this act of FAITH, Abraham is walking in conformity to the will of God in purpose, thought, and action. Now I personally think that Abraham was a man who truly knew God's character. Abraham may have even deep down known his son wouldn't be taken from him, but all the more he had to lay it down. Abraham had to not only lay his son on the altar but by faith, had to go so far as to tie him down and raise the knife before the Lord intervened and revealed to Abraham a deeper level of the Love of God--for Abraham this was revelation of Christ! Abraham had to come to the point where should the Lord have called him to sacrifice this prized possession Abraham would do so knowing in his heart the Lord is worthy and still eternally good, even righteous in His asking of the giving up of his beloved.

For me, I am Abraham. The thing which has become to me a beloved is being laid upon an altar for God, to be consumed by God should He so choose. Though this be unspeakably hard and daily an offer unto Him, I will rest in that in my act of FAITH, I too am walking in conformity to the will of God in purpose, thought, and action, despite what it might appear like before men. I am and must come to the point of total loss of control, also known by many as the place of full obedience, by tying down this beloved and holding up the knife (metaphorically of course)...I hope and am beginning to think that just like Abraham God will see my heart of love and reveal to me a greater Love of God and in turn, return to me my beloved. But should He not, and I be called to eternally sacrifice this beloved, I know, like Abraham, that God is worthy, eternally good, and righteous in the asking of the giving of this beloved, for He does not ask of me what He Himself has not already walked out before me.


And may we never over look the beauty of the obedience of Abraham's son, the beloved one. So in love and trusting of his father, the beloved one willingly laid upon the altar. Not budging in fear or doubt of the plans of God to the point of allowing his father to tie him down and raise a knife to him. This one being sacrificed also walked in FAITH, in conformity to the will of God in purpose, thought, and action. He was willing to be sacrificed, to die, which in turn would separate him from the one he too loved with great passion, his father, Abraham. Realizing this and realizing the need for his father to sacrifice him so that he, Abraham, might be in obedience to God, the son allowed himself to be laid down---imagine that! Truly this beloved one fulfilled Philippians 2 and consider all men as greater than himself; undoubtedly this one shows us meekness, humility, and above all LOVE for another so great that he himself would willingly be separated from the one he loved in order that the one he loved my walk in right standing with God! I believe that it was not only the heart of Abraham, but the heart of his son also that moved God to intervention. All along the Father knew through this unthinkably hard act of obedience, both the Father, the one being asked to sacrifice something of value and love, and the son, the one being asked to desire the well being of another exceedingly above himself to the point of willing being the sacrifice to be given by the other, would both come to a greater and deeper revelation of the LOVE OF GOD----Christ Jesus!

So I thank you; thank you beloved one for so loving me and wanting obedience in my life so much as to allow me to lay you on the altar before God and quite possibly be separated from you. Thank you for your courage, trust, and reliance on the Lord. Thank you for your humility, meekness, patience, and heart. Thank you for loving me so much as to do such a thing. And I pray that in this act of FAITH from us both that God would see our hearts and bring us together.

Your Love Is Better Than Wine

Your Love is better than wine Jesus. Oh Savior, that which you have to give me through and by Your love is greater than any passion with in me, no matter how deep its root within me. The things Your love unfolds before and within me, and the deep eternal pleasure it provides, far exceeds the deep longing in my flesh right now that afflicts my soul. It is because of such love I am able to awaken in the morning and endure any pain that may come to or upon me as a result of searching for greater depths of this love. It is Your love which is eternal and shall be lasting within my life when all else has found its way back to dust. No sign, wonder, miracle, healing, ministry, dream, or desire, whether Godly or ungodly, can surpass the Love a maker has for His creation or the Bridegroom for His Bride. Should I be a dead-raising, fiery preacher stomping on the devil in Africa, or a poor woman on a street corner living with nothing but the clothes on her back and the food left in dumpsters, I shall be forever undone, for Your love is greatest and superior. It is more supreme even than the desires I have for this life which You Yourself have instilled in me. When temptation encamps me and desire for immediate pleasures overwhelm me and seek to devour me, it is the remembering of Your love that quickens me to cry out for help and deliverance; it is that love that has touched an unreachable, locked away part of my being that screams louder than the desires of my flesh and saves me from the serpent of sin. May that love deepen and never be forgotten as temptation shall surely increase in time and desires rise to destroy me. For there is no Greater love than this, that a Bridegroom should lay down His life for His Bride.

Lovesick

Over the past month I have felt continuously sick to my stomach, like this weird pit in me is aching but kind of makes me anxious, nervous, and even fearful at times. Some days the ache is so intense I can barely eat; other days it seems all I do is eat to try and make the aching subside. Some days I try to sleep it off, or ignore it. Each effort to rid myself of this ache brings no succes and no respite...the ache continues.

Today I realized what this aching is...I am lovesick...in the beginning stages but lovesick all the same.

Over the past month I have been crying to the Lord in confession of how I don't love Him; of how I have no idea of His beauty, love, or sacrifice for me; of how I don't even really want Him to return because of my selfishness, fear, and lack of love; and of how I don't even know anything about Him--his looks, his character, his love, his personality, etc.

In the midst of my confessions to Him, it appears love has taken root. This shift seems odd and uncomprehensable that in the midst of one confessing her lack of love for another, she ends up becoming lovesick...or rather maybe it is perfectly sensable. Afterall, in the midst of such confessions and in my weeping, I find myself longing so desparately to love Him, to know Him, to serve Him, to desire His return etc., and I become overwhelmed with pain in how I don't. This pain, I believe, is one form of lovesickness...not only is lovesick being away from your lover and longing for Him, but it is also the pain in not being able to accurately express, show, and live out the love to which your lover is deserving to receive...This has become me!

In the midst of this troubing season and in the midst of temptation, Christ is coming to me and I am coming to Him...a joint effort is being made...a marriage coming together...lovesickness reaching such a height that it will either cause me to run without regard to the world towards my lover or should I choose the world, it will take unending pain and suffering to even remotely press down such feelings...I hope for the first rather than the latter...

God Help...it is running season...help me to run towards you!

Amen