Where is the one whom my heart longs for; oh where has my Beloved gone? I have suddenly awakened to find myself in the midst of a very dark and cold night. My soul is tortured, and fear encompasses me. I arise out of my bed yelling, no screaming for the presence of my Lover, but I find Him not! Oh tell me where is the One whom I long to be near, the One whose very presence forces all fear to leave me and all darkness around me to transform into light? I need Him; do you not understand? I NEED HIM! Only He will do!
I have gone outside of my room now, running down the street in my night clothes---in my barrenness and vulnerability, fully exposed to all---but I care not for my one thought is I must find Him. I care not how foolish my barrenness appears or how ridiculous I must appear to the men on the side streets; You see, I MUST HAVE MY BELOVED, and I care not if I am exposed as the true sinner that I am; I care not!
Behold, one standing on the streets...is this Him? No, I fear it is not, but rather, its my leaders...my pastor and now surrounding him all of the congregation...what are they doing? What is that look in their eyes?...Suddenly I feel myself awkwardly uncomfortable and aware of my see-through clothing...you see, usually I am more than just "covered" when around them...I am "hidden" within layers and layers of man-made clothing!...but now, now I am standing before them all, with a mere sheer layer to barely cover me...
I stand before them, the counsel of many...the ones who somehow seem to hold my spiritual life in their hands even though I know they shouldn't...Here I stand, a crazed woman...probably looking somewhat like the woman caught in adultery who was dragged away to be judged by Jesus...crazed and fully exposed with no time to cover myself...No Time!
What should I do...is there anything, anything that I could grab to cover myself? Anything at all, maybe this fig leaf here...it might cover me just enough that I could stand up a little "straighter" in their presence to ask them how should I find my Lover!
Doing all that is within me to hold it together I began to ask them one by one..."tell me, have you seen My Beloved, the One in Whom I Delight?"... And slowly, one by one, they each tell me how to find the One in Whom I Delight...
One says, "Read the book of John ten times a week, and there you will find Him for He loves diligence"; another says, "Oh no, you must scream and yell, praying in the spirit for hours, never giving way til He appears for He delights in being sought after"; another, "You must run, leap, and dance with joy and in faith that He is there. Eventually He will see your effort and reward you"; yet another tells me, "You have not committed yourself to enough groups and meetings within this body; He needs to see you care to be here and active with the Body; join our worship team and surely there He will be"; another sister chimes in, "You must starve yourself, oh wait, I mean 'fast'. The Lover needs to see you practice 'self-control' and know you can deny your flesh"; the final man tells me..."No, no, dear one, you see it is the sin and rebellion in your life and heart towards God and how you really don't love Him that has caused Him to turn from you; you haven't sacrificed anything for Him so He left."
Each suggestion that comes stings worse than the last with the final one causing the deepest blow ever...the crushing of my heart and my spirit...for you see I thought I really did love Him, that's why I arose...isn't it? Maybe not, maybe he is right...I must not love Him...
So what shall I do...everything...because even though these request seem to me to be working a place in my Lovers heart that I thought was already given to me by the grace of God, I will do them...for I am desperate, desperate for my Lover and will try anything to reach Him...So my journey into works begins...reading, fasting, singing, praying, dancing, confessing...
By the end, I am and have become the bleeding woman who is in sheer desperation for healing that she fights the crowds, the swarms of people...Pharisees and Sadducees, Apostles and Prophets, Evangelist and Teachers, Children and Elders...Everyone; pushing violently to touch the hem, the very edge of His Garment...you see, while her hope to see Him may have been beaten out of her in all of these years of working and striving, deep down, somewhere so deep within in her that no man has ever stabbed at, lies a thin shred, a wisp if you will, of Hope! Hope that if she can at least make it to His Garment she will at least be healed of her anemic, blood-soaked, darkened, diseased self...so she runs, I RUN!
I RUN! Pushing through everyone and BEHOLD...The Hem of His Garment! A beast of a man is standing before me, between my Lover and I...Suddenly from deep within me, a courage arises...a long forgotten and suppressed bravery and strength...how foreign it seems yet so familiar; it arises within me stronger and stronger...
I push aside this ghastly man standing before me, commanding Him, "You, oh wicked religious man, are NOT My Maker NOR My Healer! And you will step aside, for today is the day of MY SALVATION!" Barreling through, I reach and behold, I touch the Garment! And what should occur...
My Beloved Turns Around And I See Him! He looks upon me with delight and I look into His beautiful eyes of fire, a jealousy tender kind of emotion exuding from those eyes, and I Breathe in Life for the first time in years...And I live again! Healed now and back in the Presence of my Beloved...I have found the one in whom I Delight...Not in my working effort but in my barren, vulnerable, fully-exposed brokenness that finally gave me strength to command the Ghastly Man in front of me to BE GONE that I might have My Beloved!
(You see it is in my weakness that He is made strong.)
And I hear a faint whisper telling me..."You are all fair my love, and there is no spot in you; I delight in you and am with you!"
And I believe! And it is credited to me as righteousness!
Monday, July 13, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
I Am Abraham
"Thus Abraham believed in and adhered to and trusted in and relied on God, and it was reckoned and placed to his account and credited as righteousness (as conformity to the divine will in purpose, thought, and action). Know and understand that it is [really] the people [who live] by faith who are [the true] sons of Abraham."--Gal 3:6-7
Before I begin writing on what God has shown me about this verse and my given circumstances, let me acknowledgement that ultimately this verse is reference to justification or right standing with God by faith (in Christ) alone and not by the work of our hands; in fact it doesn't directly relate to Abraham and the almost sacrifice of his son, but a previous chapter in Genesis, Genesis 15 to be more accurate, but all the same God used the above verse to remind me of Abraham and his son.
Oh the beauty of Abraham's sacrifice to God! In this sacrifice Abraham out of obedience takes his most prized possession, his son, lays it upon an altar to God to be consumed by God should the Lord so choose. In this act of FAITH, Abraham is walking in conformity to the will of God in purpose, thought, and action. Now I personally think that Abraham was a man who truly knew God's character. Abraham may have even deep down known his son wouldn't be taken from him, but all the more he had to lay it down. Abraham had to not only lay his son on the altar but by faith, had to go so far as to tie him down and raise the knife before the Lord intervened and revealed to Abraham a deeper level of the Love of God--for Abraham this was revelation of Christ! Abraham had to come to the point where should the Lord have called him to sacrifice this prized possession Abraham would do so knowing in his heart the Lord is worthy and still eternally good, even righteous in His asking of the giving up of his beloved.
For me, I am Abraham. The thing which has become to me a beloved is being laid upon an altar for God, to be consumed by God should He so choose. Though this be unspeakably hard and daily an offer unto Him, I will rest in that in my act of FAITH, I too am walking in conformity to the will of God in purpose, thought, and action, despite what it might appear like before men. I am and must come to the point of total loss of control, also known by many as the place of full obedience, by tying down this beloved and holding up the knife (metaphorically of course)...I hope and am beginning to think that just like Abraham God will see my heart of love and reveal to me a greater Love of God and in turn, return to me my beloved. But should He not, and I be called to eternally sacrifice this beloved, I know, like Abraham, that God is worthy, eternally good, and righteous in the asking of the giving of this beloved, for He does not ask of me what He Himself has not already walked out before me.
And may we never over look the beauty of the obedience of Abraham's son, the beloved one. So in love and trusting of his father, the beloved one willingly laid upon the altar. Not budging in fear or doubt of the plans of God to the point of allowing his father to tie him down and raise a knife to him. This one being sacrificed also walked in FAITH, in conformity to the will of God in purpose, thought, and action. He was willing to be sacrificed, to die, which in turn would separate him from the one he too loved with great passion, his father, Abraham. Realizing this and realizing the need for his father to sacrifice him so that he, Abraham, might be in obedience to God, the son allowed himself to be laid down---imagine that! Truly this beloved one fulfilled Philippians 2 and consider all men as greater than himself; undoubtedly this one shows us meekness, humility, and above all LOVE for another so great that he himself would willingly be separated from the one he loved in order that the one he loved my walk in right standing with God! I believe that it was not only the heart of Abraham, but the heart of his son also that moved God to intervention. All along the Father knew through this unthinkably hard act of obedience, both the Father, the one being asked to sacrifice something of value and love, and the son, the one being asked to desire the well being of another exceedingly above himself to the point of willing being the sacrifice to be given by the other, would both come to a greater and deeper revelation of the LOVE OF GOD----Christ Jesus!
So I thank you; thank you beloved one for so loving me and wanting obedience in my life so much as to allow me to lay you on the altar before God and quite possibly be separated from you. Thank you for your courage, trust, and reliance on the Lord. Thank you for your humility, meekness, patience, and heart. Thank you for loving me so much as to do such a thing. And I pray that in this act of FAITH from us both that God would see our hearts and bring us together.
Before I begin writing on what God has shown me about this verse and my given circumstances, let me acknowledgement that ultimately this verse is reference to justification or right standing with God by faith (in Christ) alone and not by the work of our hands; in fact it doesn't directly relate to Abraham and the almost sacrifice of his son, but a previous chapter in Genesis, Genesis 15 to be more accurate, but all the same God used the above verse to remind me of Abraham and his son.
Oh the beauty of Abraham's sacrifice to God! In this sacrifice Abraham out of obedience takes his most prized possession, his son, lays it upon an altar to God to be consumed by God should the Lord so choose. In this act of FAITH, Abraham is walking in conformity to the will of God in purpose, thought, and action. Now I personally think that Abraham was a man who truly knew God's character. Abraham may have even deep down known his son wouldn't be taken from him, but all the more he had to lay it down. Abraham had to not only lay his son on the altar but by faith, had to go so far as to tie him down and raise the knife before the Lord intervened and revealed to Abraham a deeper level of the Love of God--for Abraham this was revelation of Christ! Abraham had to come to the point where should the Lord have called him to sacrifice this prized possession Abraham would do so knowing in his heart the Lord is worthy and still eternally good, even righteous in His asking of the giving up of his beloved.
For me, I am Abraham. The thing which has become to me a beloved is being laid upon an altar for God, to be consumed by God should He so choose. Though this be unspeakably hard and daily an offer unto Him, I will rest in that in my act of FAITH, I too am walking in conformity to the will of God in purpose, thought, and action, despite what it might appear like before men. I am and must come to the point of total loss of control, also known by many as the place of full obedience, by tying down this beloved and holding up the knife (metaphorically of course)...I hope and am beginning to think that just like Abraham God will see my heart of love and reveal to me a greater Love of God and in turn, return to me my beloved. But should He not, and I be called to eternally sacrifice this beloved, I know, like Abraham, that God is worthy, eternally good, and righteous in the asking of the giving of this beloved, for He does not ask of me what He Himself has not already walked out before me.
And may we never over look the beauty of the obedience of Abraham's son, the beloved one. So in love and trusting of his father, the beloved one willingly laid upon the altar. Not budging in fear or doubt of the plans of God to the point of allowing his father to tie him down and raise a knife to him. This one being sacrificed also walked in FAITH, in conformity to the will of God in purpose, thought, and action. He was willing to be sacrificed, to die, which in turn would separate him from the one he too loved with great passion, his father, Abraham. Realizing this and realizing the need for his father to sacrifice him so that he, Abraham, might be in obedience to God, the son allowed himself to be laid down---imagine that! Truly this beloved one fulfilled Philippians 2 and consider all men as greater than himself; undoubtedly this one shows us meekness, humility, and above all LOVE for another so great that he himself would willingly be separated from the one he loved in order that the one he loved my walk in right standing with God! I believe that it was not only the heart of Abraham, but the heart of his son also that moved God to intervention. All along the Father knew through this unthinkably hard act of obedience, both the Father, the one being asked to sacrifice something of value and love, and the son, the one being asked to desire the well being of another exceedingly above himself to the point of willing being the sacrifice to be given by the other, would both come to a greater and deeper revelation of the LOVE OF GOD----Christ Jesus!
So I thank you; thank you beloved one for so loving me and wanting obedience in my life so much as to allow me to lay you on the altar before God and quite possibly be separated from you. Thank you for your courage, trust, and reliance on the Lord. Thank you for your humility, meekness, patience, and heart. Thank you for loving me so much as to do such a thing. And I pray that in this act of FAITH from us both that God would see our hearts and bring us together.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Your Love Is Better Than Wine
Your Love is better than wine Jesus. Oh Savior, that which you have to give me through and by Your love is greater than any passion with in me, no matter how deep its root within me. The things Your love unfolds before and within me, and the deep eternal pleasure it provides, far exceeds the deep longing in my flesh right now that afflicts my soul. It is because of such love I am able to awaken in the morning and endure any pain that may come to or upon me as a result of searching for greater depths of this love. It is Your love which is eternal and shall be lasting within my life when all else has found its way back to dust. No sign, wonder, miracle, healing, ministry, dream, or desire, whether Godly or ungodly, can surpass the Love a maker has for His creation or the Bridegroom for His Bride. Should I be a dead-raising, fiery preacher stomping on the devil in Africa, or a poor woman on a street corner living with nothing but the clothes on her back and the food left in dumpsters, I shall be forever undone, for Your love is greatest and superior. It is more supreme even than the desires I have for this life which You Yourself have instilled in me. When temptation encamps me and desire for immediate pleasures overwhelm me and seek to devour me, it is the remembering of Your love that quickens me to cry out for help and deliverance; it is that love that has touched an unreachable, locked away part of my being that screams louder than the desires of my flesh and saves me from the serpent of sin. May that love deepen and never be forgotten as temptation shall surely increase in time and desires rise to destroy me. For there is no Greater love than this, that a Bridegroom should lay down His life for His Bride.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Lovesick
Over the past month I have felt continuously sick to my stomach, like this weird pit in me is aching but kind of makes me anxious, nervous, and even fearful at times. Some days the ache is so intense I can barely eat; other days it seems all I do is eat to try and make the aching subside. Some days I try to sleep it off, or ignore it. Each effort to rid myself of this ache brings no succes and no respite...the ache continues.
Today I realized what this aching is...I am lovesick...in the beginning stages but lovesick all the same.
Over the past month I have been crying to the Lord in confession of how I don't love Him; of how I have no idea of His beauty, love, or sacrifice for me; of how I don't even really want Him to return because of my selfishness, fear, and lack of love; and of how I don't even know anything about Him--his looks, his character, his love, his personality, etc.
In the midst of my confessions to Him, it appears love has taken root. This shift seems odd and uncomprehensable that in the midst of one confessing her lack of love for another, she ends up becoming lovesick...or rather maybe it is perfectly sensable. Afterall, in the midst of such confessions and in my weeping, I find myself longing so desparately to love Him, to know Him, to serve Him, to desire His return etc., and I become overwhelmed with pain in how I don't. This pain, I believe, is one form of lovesickness...not only is lovesick being away from your lover and longing for Him, but it is also the pain in not being able to accurately express, show, and live out the love to which your lover is deserving to receive...This has become me!
In the midst of this troubing season and in the midst of temptation, Christ is coming to me and I am coming to Him...a joint effort is being made...a marriage coming together...lovesickness reaching such a height that it will either cause me to run without regard to the world towards my lover or should I choose the world, it will take unending pain and suffering to even remotely press down such feelings...I hope for the first rather than the latter...
God Help...it is running season...help me to run towards you!
Amen
Today I realized what this aching is...I am lovesick...in the beginning stages but lovesick all the same.
Over the past month I have been crying to the Lord in confession of how I don't love Him; of how I have no idea of His beauty, love, or sacrifice for me; of how I don't even really want Him to return because of my selfishness, fear, and lack of love; and of how I don't even know anything about Him--his looks, his character, his love, his personality, etc.
In the midst of my confessions to Him, it appears love has taken root. This shift seems odd and uncomprehensable that in the midst of one confessing her lack of love for another, she ends up becoming lovesick...or rather maybe it is perfectly sensable. Afterall, in the midst of such confessions and in my weeping, I find myself longing so desparately to love Him, to know Him, to serve Him, to desire His return etc., and I become overwhelmed with pain in how I don't. This pain, I believe, is one form of lovesickness...not only is lovesick being away from your lover and longing for Him, but it is also the pain in not being able to accurately express, show, and live out the love to which your lover is deserving to receive...This has become me!
In the midst of this troubing season and in the midst of temptation, Christ is coming to me and I am coming to Him...a joint effort is being made...a marriage coming together...lovesickness reaching such a height that it will either cause me to run without regard to the world towards my lover or should I choose the world, it will take unending pain and suffering to even remotely press down such feelings...I hope for the first rather than the latter...
God Help...it is running season...help me to run towards you!
Amen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
